the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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