They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize