So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
