i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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