I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
