Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.Â
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
