Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
