I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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