Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
it was like eating out sand paper
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize