I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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