Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Of course I have a pirate flag
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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