cat food counts as protein by the way
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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