well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
