Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
