Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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