Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
