You're my little dorito
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
