so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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