I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
