People in love make me want to vomit
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
