i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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