dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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