My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
