Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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