I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
