I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize