I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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