my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
