He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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