Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
