Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize