Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
