If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
