There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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