home. puking in laundry basket.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
