ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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