Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
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