any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
