The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
