All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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