I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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