i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
