For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
