Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
