his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
