So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
