i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I didn't notice because vodka
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
