do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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