On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
