lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
