speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
