On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
