Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It's never too late to be topless.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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