I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
