I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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