My room smells like vodka and shame
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
