they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize