I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Randomize
